Sirka Louca, LCSW-R Psychotherapist

What Are You So Afraid Of?

2012-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

When was the last time you were scared?

There are some fear-driven behaviors we barely notice and do every day such as buckling our seat belts, paying our bills, showing up to work, following the rules of the road. We do these things at least partly to avoid getting hurt or getting in trouble.

But what about the other stuff, the stuff that really scares you like telling your significant other that he/she hurt you, telling a family member that you don't like the way they treat you, asking for a raise, telling someone you really like them, asking for help? How often is there something you feel strongly about but don't give yourself permission to act upon because you're scared?

Fear influences a large amount of our behaviors, more often that we realize. We usually feel fear and stop, which is an old survival instinct; but rarely do we think through what we are really afraid of and what the worst is that could happen. What would happen if you told your significant other that you really wish they would listen more to you or hold you more often, asked for a raise, tried a new class or told someone that you like them? Sometimes the risk is bad and it's very smart to avoid it; but perhaps there are fears that stop you from living a fuller life.

Try something new this week: pick one thing you really want but are afraid to ask for. Ask yourself what the worst thing is that could happen and then decide if it's worth taking a chance.

Gifts From the Most Unusual Places

2011-12-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

In this time of gift-giving, I am reminded that sometimes gifts can be found in the most unusual places.

We all have pain, crises and suffer. Nobody wants these hurtful experiences, certainly I know that I don’t, and I don’t want them for anyone else; however, many years of experience have taught me that there are often priceless gifts to be found in even the most painful experiences.

Without minimizing the very real pain of emotional crises, I know that such experiences can bestow great gifts on us. A wise friend of mine used to say “the gift is in the wound”. I hated that saying…who wants to be wounded? But she was right.

Emotional crises often show us just how strong we can be. They cause us to dig deep inside ourselves, stretch way beyond our comfort zone and grow in ways we were not planning. Sometimes it means learning how to ask for help, or awakening to the people and blessings in your life you may have been taking for granted, or learning that you can count on yourself. It may mean finding a new way to communicate, a new way to handle pain, or changing something about the way you’ve been doing things.

While my wish for all of you in the New Year is a peaceful and joyful future, I know that crises and pain are unfortunate parts of reality. I wish for you that you will come through the challenges you face as painlessly as possible and with a new appreciation for your strength, abilities and blessings.

Are You Hearing Voices?

2011-11-07T18:47:00.000-08:00

You are reaching for that second brownie and change your mind, calling in sick to work but feeling guilty or making yourself volunteer for another fundraiser when you are exhausted and it's the last thing you feel like doing. Why? Whose voices are you listening to?
We often feel we "should" or "shouldn't" do something ("If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all", "Boys don't cry", "You must finish all the food on your plate") regardless of what our inner self is feeling ("But I really want to tell him/her how hurt I feel", "I am really upset and feel like crying", "I am SO full!").
You will recognize that this is happening by some inner feeling of conflict. When this happens, ask yourself whose voice you're listening to? Is it your mother's or father's, a teacher's, your spouse's or friend's? Ask yourself how long you've been listening to this voice. Often these "shoulds" become ingrained in us as children and we carry them with us, sometimes for quite a long time.
Then ask yourself what would happen if you stopped listening to those voices and did what you really wanted instead....???
If that thought is scary, ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of.
Some of these voices are beneficial and remind us to stick to our goals ("You want to loose weight, don't eat that second brownie"), but sometimes they force us to behave in ways that create inner conflict ("I can't tell my neighbor how I really feel about what he/she did. I'll smile and pretend everything is ok") which can create emotional and even physical distress.
So ask yourself whose voices you're listening to and are they the ones you really want to follow? Sometimes we limit ourselves by old fears that we don't have to hold on to anymore.

2011-10-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

Knock-Knock…..It’s Your Anger. I Have Something To Tell You

We’ve all been there: yelling, clenched fists or teeth, perhaps an intense feeling of being right, or having been wronged, feeling like no one understands….leading to an overwhelming sense of anger.

What do you do with your anger?

Do you explode?

Do you become sarcastic or mean?

Do you stuff it inside?

Do you redirect it into some other behavior that is self-destructive?

How do you feel after you’ve been angry?

Frustrated?

Ashamed?

Confused?

Scared?

How are your relationships after an instance of anger?

Damaged?

Conflicted?

Anger is an important and misunderstood emotion. In most cases, anger is there to protect us from the more vulnerable feelings of sadness and hurt. Something happens that makes us feel hurt and/or sad (betrayal, de-validation, etc.) but it’s too hard to expose those feelings, so our anger steps in and comes to our defense. While this makes a lot of sense, it tends to wreak havoc in our relationships and sometimes within ourselves if we engage in self-destructive behaviors.

The anger you feel has important information for you if you can listen to it. The next time you are angry, ask yourself what vulnerable feelings might be hiding beneath your anger. See if you can feel safe enough to express them, first to yourself and next to someone else. With practice and increased awareness (and possibly some support and help), you can begin to react differently when you get hurt or sad and you may find that you act upon your anger in healthier, less destructive ways.

Brick Walls

2011-10-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

Brick walls are an inevitable part of life. Disappointment, rejection, delays, heartache...they are unavoidable.
I love to read and am often reading several books at once. Recently, I read a book I couldn't put down: Randy Pausch's Last Lecture. In the book he talks about brick walls and says "Brick walls are not there to keep you out. They are there to show you how badly you want something".
This struck me as very wise and as a wonderful way to approach life. We cannot control what life throws at us, but we can control the way we perceive it and react. In fact, I think the people who are the most successful and happiest probably approach life's challenges not as brick walls that stop them in their tracks, but as opportunties to see how badly they want something and how creative they can be in achieving their goal.
Ask yourself what brick walls you are facing right now. See if you are perceiving them as dead ends which stop you from moving forward or if they are there to show you how badly you want something.
How hard will you work to get over that brick wall and how creative can you be to find a way over it?